In 2010, I had been working as a bank teller for about 4 years. My husband and I were expecting our first child and our lives were about to change, but I wasn’t prepared for just how much. You can try and try but you will never be 100% prepared for the changes that a 1st born brings.
We were as prepared as we could be. Diapers and wipes, car-seats and cribs, strollers, blankets, onesies, bottles, pacifiers, bathing supplies… etc.. We had all of the essentials. Everything was in place with work too. I would go on maternity leave and return in 6 weeks. My mother in law was all set to watch this precious being when I returned. In my eyes we were good to go.
What about the emotional changes?
Not one single person could have prepared me for the overwhelming emotional change I was going to have the moment that darling girl was placed on my stomach and looked at me. It was as if the sun and moon and stars all aligned for the first time. Like this, this moment was what I was meant for, created for.. Nothing else mattered, nobody else would ever come close to comparing to that love. This was love.
After we were released to go home, we were able to get settled in and have a routine. The weeks went by and day by day I became more and more accustomed to staying home with Khloe. Every new milestone, the smiles and coos, I started wondering, how many will I miss when I go back to work? After that, I became more and more depressed as the days dwindled down. Anxiety set in too. My husband would come home and I would be an emotional wreck. I could not stop the tears. Every part of my soul rebelled against going back to work. But I did.
Dooms Day Came
I was up and ready to go. I kept telling myself, you can do this. My mother in law came, her eyes so full of empathy, she knew and she understood my pain. I kissed my sweet girl a thousand times and off I went.
All day, I just felt empty. I took her pictures with me and would nearly cry every time I looked at them. Not to mention, the pain every time someone would ask about her.
This continued for 3 months. My husband knew how unhappy I was and we came together to figure out a way for me to stay home. We would cut our cable back, we didn’t need premium channels. Our take-out dinners would be fewer in farther between so we would save money there too. We would and could make this work.
I turned in my 2 week notice and felt relief and joy for the first time in months.
The next 4 years.
The following years were the best of my life. I spent every waking moment with Khloe. Appreciating every moment with her. I got to witness so many more firsts, words, teeth, steps. We even bought our first house! Yes, with one income and budgeting, we bought a house! Life could not get any better. Or could It?
In September of 2012, we welcomed our son, Ronin, into the world. Now I had 2 little people that nobody could come close to comparing to. My husband and I had created this perfect little family and we were all happy!
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone
What was I thinking?
In the Summer of 2013, my previous manager (and friend) contacted me, letting me know a position had opened up at the bank and asked if I’d be interested in applying. This was not the first time she’d asked but this is the first time I didn’t immediately turn her down. What was I thinking, considering this?
I, along with my husband decided I would apply. A few short weeks later, I got the call from HR offering me the position and I accepted. I was an idiot.
In the days leading up to my return, I felt the ping of regret in my gut and those old feelings of helplessness coming back, yet I ignored them. I wish I hadn’t because here I sit, emotional and unhappy wanting my life back. I go through the daily motions feeling like an empty shell of my old self. I know I’m not 100% there for my children like I once was regardless of how much I try.
Needless to say, the single largest regret I’ve ever had as a mom, is returning to work. Not once but twice. It will be one of those things that haunts me on my death-bed. Trust me though, when I say there is an end in sight.
The dark days are ending.
I have set a goal and by the end of this summer, I will be home with my children again. I was born to be a mom, a stay at home mom in particular. I will chaperone every field trip, every classroom party. I’ll be at every event and I’ll be 100% present physically and emotionally for my children once again. I will salvage this empty shell and make it full again.
So what do I want you to take from this?
I know that there are millions of mom’s who want to go back to work after having children and my hats are off to you! I think it’s wonderful. I also know that everyone is different and they’re are an equal amount of women who do not want to go back to work. I want these women to know that anything is possible.
There are so many tools nowadays to help with saving and even making money.
- ibotta is an app that is basically a way to coupon paperless. It adds up quickly and anyone on your facebook page that uses ibotta is automatically on your “team”. The more everyone uses it the more you make.
- ebates is a cash back app/website that does just that, it gives you a certain percentage cash back in the form of a rebate just for using them. Retailers include the likes of Amazon, Kohls, Walmart etc..
- YouGov is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. They send you and email to do a quick little survey (about 10 minutes) about politics, what you watched on t.v last night, your favorite stores..etc. You are rewarded in the form of points and after you accumulate so many you may redeem them in the form of gift cards. Amazon, Kmart, WalMart, OldNavy, Footlocker, Target are just naming a few. These add up quickly and before you know it you have a gift card to help with school shopping, Christmas, birthdays etc..
- Paribus is currently my absolute favorite way to save money simply because I don’t have to do a thing. They do all the work for me. I just sign into them with my email and done. If you make purchases online they will monitor that site for a price drop and request a refund for you if it does. Pretty cool, huh?
- The Target REDcard is so unbelievably ideal for everyone. If you ever shop at target then you need to have this. You always save 5% and get free shipping on everything regardless of the price. Do you want to save on gas? Need socks, toothpaste, diapers, wipes? Just order online and it’ll be delivered for free! This used in conjunction with ibotta, ebates and parabus can save and earn you upwards of $500 per year.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey to happy!
Lots of Luv,
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